Housewarming Party
by gabriel ricard
Summary: look! is it a well written fan fic with a good, coherent plot and intresting characters? No! its number nine in the ff7 series featuring the debut onf an all new villian and featuring guest apperances by Ash of Evil Dead fame and the cast of Resident Evil


Final Fantasy-7 #9

Housewarming Party

Written By Gabe Ricard

After much stalling and taking time off to work on three other projects I'm pleased to finally be able to publish the next fic in the FF7 series. This fic unlike the others had no original draft but I'm writing it anyway to get rid of the some of the plot holes I found in the next couple fics and also to add a little to Madass Mick who originally did not make his first apperance until much later in the series. Enough babbling on my part enjoy the fic and let me know what you think. One more note and this is a pretty stupid question but if someone could tell me HOW IN GODS NAME DO YOU PUBLISH A COLUMN ON FF.NET I would be most appreciative. I would be glad to do something in return like plug your stories in a couple future fics or something like that (A huge honor no doubt). Please send an email to [darksideblues_666@seanbaby.com][1] if you can help. Thanks and a quick warning if your offended in any way by some one being given the personality of Jesus Christ then turn back now. Thank you.

"Wow…I'm sure gonna miss this place," remarked Cloud looking sitting around the now empty 7TH Heaven with everyone else.

"I know," agreed Cid. "Me and Shera had some really great sex on the counter while everyone was asleep.

"What a minute," said Cait Sith looking up in horror, "I sleep on the counter."

"That reminds me…would you mind not snoring so loud? It's hard to talk dirty to Sh-ow! God damn it Shera!!" cried Cid as Shera elbowed him in the gut. Cait Sith gave no reply only curling himself into a ball and rocking himself back and forth as he sat on his moggle.

"Is anyone else getting married?" asked Gabe. 

"Nope," replied Barret.

"Damn, I wanted an excuse to get irresponsibly drunk again."

"So you can blow again?" asked Vincent.

" FOR THE 34TH TIME, I DID NOT GIVE THAT DAMN TANK HEAD VINCENT YOU MARILYN MANSON WORSHIPPING FUCK-TARD!!!"

"Sure Gabe." Gabe was about to get up and do something horrible to Vincent but was held back by Cloud.

"When are we leaving?" asked Red XIII, looking up from his spot in the corner.

"In twenty minutes" replied Cloud. "I have to show up for work the day after tomorrow."

"Hey we should have a housewarming party," suggested Gabe.

"You only want an excuse to get drunk."

"Yeah so?"

"Gabe's become an alchy," remarked Cait Sith who had finally gotten out of his trance.

"Have not," growled Gabe.

"Anyway," interrupted Cloud loudly, "Why don't we leave early?" Everyone agreed and slowly got up and walked out the door one by one the last one being Tifa who took a long look at the bar where she had spent much of her adult life. She didn't feel too bad about it though since she had already decided to set up a new bar once they reach New Nibelheim 

Gabe was somewhat amazed at the small city Nibelheim had become. Remembering that it had once only been a street and it was now several streets. The mansion was another thing that impressed everyone. It had indeed on the outside at least appear to have been fully rebuilt. He also noticed there was at least four more floors added to it. When they got inside Gabe and the others where even more amazed at how different the mansion looked. The first floor that once was a dark and evil place was now replaced with a front office with a receptionist at the front.

"She's pretty hot," noticed Cait Sith. Beyond the secretary was an elevator that led to any of the six floors. 

"I say we go on a tour of the mansion," suggested Aeris.

"Great idea bitch," mumbled Tifa loud enough for Aeris to hear.

"Eat shit and die you three nippled whore!"

"I'd consider it if I could tell the difference between you and a piece of shit!!"

"That didn't make any sense," mumbled Cait Sith.

"Oh yea?!? Well why don't you suck the sweat off my-"

"I think rooms on the other side of the mansion would be a good idea," whispered Barret balancing Marlene on his shoulder to Cloud a few steps behind the girls who were embroiled in a bitter war of words.

"You and me both," agreed Cloud in an equally low tone as Avalanche piled into the elevator and hit the button for the second floor.

"Well this floor sucks," announced Cid. "All that's here is bed rooms, bathrooms, living rooms, a kitchen and a giant empty room.

"Yeah, where's the blow up doll room?" demanded Cait Sith.

Cloud turned to Cait and sighed, "Cait we went over this, there is not going to be a blow up doll room. Stop asking because it isn't going to happen." Cait did not reply only folding his arms and glaring maliciously at Cloud.

"The giant room should be the rec. room," suggested Red XIII.

"Great idea fur-ball," spat Vincent who had been walking next to Red.

"What's wrong with those two?" asked Tifa.

"Vincent lost a staring contest with Red to determine who the top stoic type character is in Final Fantasy 7," replied Yuffie.

"Yuffie?" 

"What?"

"Did I give you permission to speak?" asked Tifa in a calm yet still very angry tone.

"Sorry…" mumbled Yuffie lowering her head, remembering how badly Tifa had beaten her in the past when she pissed her off. A moment later they where back to the elevator and headed up to the third floor.

"This room is a hell of a lot cooler," remarked Cid lighting a cigarette only to have it smacked out of his mouth by Shera who had him on a strict No smoking regime. The third floor had a gym, training center, movie theater and war room amongst several smaller seemingly useless rooms.

"Glad to know we have your approval Cid," replied Red XIII walking alongside Gabe.

"Shut up!" snapped Cid, angry at having his cigarette taken away from him and feeling his horrible, gripping nicotine addiction catching up with him. Cid waited until everyone boarded the elevator then tried to turn the corner to sneak a cigarette only to have it once again confiscated by Shera who gave Cid one of her once mocked but now highly dreaded scoldings. Swearing and feeling more twitchy and irritable by the second, Cid forced a smile, thanked Shera for stopping him from breaking the his regime and boarded the elevator to the next floor.

"This floor is boring too," complained Yuffie who had an arm around Vincent.

"It's a shame no one gives a-what?!" snapped Cid as Shera hit his shoulder.

"We've all bashed each other for one day stop it. You can only insult Yuffie so many times before it loses some of its luster." Everyone looked at Shera as if it was one of the most unfathomable ideas ever thought of. Shera looked around nervously then looked down. Avalanche continued to walk through the long hallways past various rooms.

"That could be the blowup doll ro-"

"NO Cait. This isn't the White House so stop asking." Cait folded his arms and glared maliciously at Cloud as everyone came to the elevator to the next floor.

"Hey there's a note," said Cloud tearing the note off and reading it out loud. "To those who live in the mansion . Beware the rooms on the next floors are so obscure and bizarre that no fan fic could ever describe them." Cloud turned back to everyone who shrugged. "Can't be too bad," he said crumpling up the note and walking on with everyone else.

****

Twenty Minutes Later

"There IS a blow up doll room! Sweet!" cried Cait Sith jumping up and down on his moggle.

Gabe shook his head his complexion incredibly pale. "Who would EVER have the need for an evil homosexual teddy bear bondage room?"

"Or the screening room that only shows every episode of Punky Brewster?"

"I know," grinned Red XIII at that comment. "I can't believe they got my letter," Everyone turned around and stared at Red XIII wide eyed. Red suddenly turned even more red, "I mean…ah fuck it… ATTENTION EVERYONE, I watch Punky Brewster and love every fucking minute of it."

"Wow…" commented Barret holding up Marlene who had fainted. "Just when you think you know someone…"

****

Later…

"I can't believe we let Gabe convince us into having a Housewarming party," mumbled Cloud as Stone Cold Steve Austin and Rob Zombie came to the door Austin pushing two kegs of beer. Cloud sighed and walked back inside and into the giant room which was indeed decided to be the rec. room. The Xenogears heroes where there as well as Rob Zombie, Steve Austin, Ash and most of the cast of Resident Evil.

"Why IS Ash here?" asked Aeris. "And the Resident Evil cast for that matter."

"Someone suggested they be in a fic at some point," replied Gabe. 'I'm a whore for the masses what can I say?"

"Got that right," replied a familiar voice.

Gabe turned around to see Krista a friend of his who was on a lifelong search to find the love of her life Eric. "Hey Krista, how did you find out about the party?"

"Party?" she asked. Gabe shrugged her off then noticed and extremely pissed off Cid walking over to them. Gabe sighed. "What now Cid?"

"I can't fucking take it any more!" cried Cid with more then a few beers in his voice.

"Take what?"

"Those fucking explosions coming from next door!"

"Is THAT what that is?" asked Aeris.

"I saw that…" remarked Krista. "As I was coming up to the mansion, I saw the house next to here and I could hear some guy laughing then an explosion, then more laughter, then another explosion, then-"

"We get the point Krista!" snapped Gabe. "Tell you what Cid. How about you, me, Krista and…" He looked around for someone else. "Cait go check this out?"

"Fuck that! I'm going over there myself and I'm going feed whoever is over there my Venus Gospel rectaly." Before Gabe could say anything, Cid shoved him and Krista aside and stormed out of the rec. room. 

Gabe shook his head, "I'm going after him, Krista go grab Cait and we'll go over and make sure Cid isn't committing himself to twenty years. Krista nodded and walked over to get Cait. He turned to Aeris "If anyone wonders we'll be back in about fifteen minutes." Aeris nodded and Gabe walked to the door but was stopped by Ash.

"Can I come? I just put like ninety bucks of gas in my chain saw arm and I don't want it to waste." 

"Sure," Gabe shrugged and walked out the door after Cid with Cait Sith, Krista and Ash.

"What a freaky ass house…" remarked Krista as Gabe tried to open the door but was unable to."

"Allow me," said Ash, starting up the chain saw arm and sawing the door in half and standing aside as everyone walked in.

"We could have just kicked the door open," said Cait Sith looking up at Ash as he hopped in.

"Shut up,' snapped Ash walking after him.

"CIIIIIIIIIIIIID WHHHHHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU YOU CRAZY BASTARD?" Cait doubled over as Gabe elbowed him. 

"HALT! WHO GOES THERE?" the heroes stopped cold as they heard heavy footsteps coming towards them. Everyone readied themselves as three shadows emerged from the long corridor that had been outstretched before them. Soon standing in front of them was an apparently drunk female midget, A man who looked like a 500-pound version of Regis Philbin with different eyes. The third a three headed clown with the body of a weight lifter and claws coming from his fists that resembled the adamantine claws of Wolverine.

"What the fuck are you?" asked Gabe is shock.

"WE'RE the Terrible Three you ugly little skinhead!" cried the three headed clown. "The midget to my left is Bog-Bitch and the freak to my right is Sarah Joan Hewitt. As for me I am Raff Riff We are Creations of our master the greatest scientific genius in the history of the world!"

"THE GREATEST FUCKING MIND EVERRRRRR." Screamed one of the heads.

"Yes quite," agreed the other head with a dry British accent.

"Who in the hell would that b-ahhhhh" Krista screamed as Bog-Bitch threw the bottle aside and jumped on her chest and drove her teeth into Krista's shoulder. Before anyone could react Sarah Joan Hewitt clutched Gabe by the throat and threw him into the wall and Raff Riff punched both Ash and Cait Sith at the same time. Ash recovered quickly and pulled out his shotgun and fired off two shots in the blink of an eye, one of which hit Sarah Joan Hewitt in the shoulder. Gabe jumped up and pulled out and ax and tried to drive it into Bog-Bitches face and watched in shock as she caught the ax with her teeth and sucked it into her mouth. Gabe tried to attack but was too slow as Bog-Bitch clamped on his leg. Just then a bullet came flying out of nowhere and hit Bog Bitch in the head, sending her crashing into a bookshelf which in turn came crashing down on top of her.

Everyone stopped and looked to the entrance Ash and the others had come from. To his surprise it was Chris, Jill, Claire and Leon from Resident Evil. Leon pulled out his gun and unloaded an entire round on Sarah Joan Hewitt which sent her crashing to the ground groaning. Raff Riff looked around nervously and snarled leaping at the STARS members who all opened fire sending him dropping to the ground also not dead but still in a good deal of pain.

"What are you guys doing here?" asked Cait Sith helping up Krista and Gabe.

"Chris and Jill where fuc-" Leon stopped as Jill kicked his knee. "TALKING outside and heard gunfire from next door so they came and got us and we came over to check it out."

"Thanks guys…Well you can head back to the party…we're just gonna grab that stupid Cid and come back."

"All right guys…Watch out," 

Gabe nodded, "Sure will." After a moment the STARS members headed back out and Gabe and the others continued down the corridor.

" I think it was a Good thing they showed up," exclaimed Krista.

"Not me," replied Cait Sith. "I was just getting ready to lay the smack down on those dumbass freaks."

"Sure Cait."

"Shut up Gabe! No one asked you!"

"One of us should go first," suggested Ash.

Gabe nodded in agreement, "In fairness it should be the most expendable character amongst us." With that comment everyone stared at Cait Sith.

"What?!"

"I don't believe this bullshit," grumbled Cait Sith who was no longer on his moggle and was silently creeping around the corner to where the sounds of machines and electricity could be heard. Cait walked into the room and froze down as he came face to face with the most terrifying thing he had ever seen in his entire life. "OH MY DEAR GOD!!!" the others nearly fell over startled as they heard Cait Sith scream.

"That was a great idea," remarked Krista getting up after Gabe, Ash and Cait's moggle and running into the room where they saw Cait Sith in his frozen with horror state and looked up to see Cid naked and strapped to a wooden table which was upright. 

That's gonna cause me nightmares for a good time to come," shuddered Gabe. Everyone turned to the right and saw a man who resembled Dr. Wily grinning. "I see you got by my creations. How unfortunate."

"Who the hell are you… you crazy bastard?" questioned Ash.

"I am Madass Mick…THE greatest scientist in the history of the universe!"

"That's nice," said Gabe quickly. "Can we have our…friend, Cid back?"

Madass Mick looked up at Cid then turned back to the others, "Sure, Only if you promise to go away and not bother me anymore."

Gabe thought for a moment weighing in what was more important. Beating the shit of out of an annoying mad scientist with a stupid name or saving Cid. When he realized the wrath he would incur from Shera if he did not chose the later he reluctantly went made his choice. "Deal."

Madass Mick smiled, "Excellent." He turned and threw a switch which dropped Cid rather violently to the ground. He then threw another switch and a huge hands emerged from the wall and grabbed Cid and threw him into a machine which shot him out a moment later, dressed in Khaki shorts and a TLC shirt. "I made a slight change to his personality so enjoy."

"Better then the original one believe me," muttered Gabe helping Cid up along with Ash while Krista picked up Cait Sith and walked out of the house passing by the Terrible Three who just now where starting to recover.

"He's starting to wake up," commented Ash as they came up the steps to the mansion. Gabe and Ash lay Cid down on the steps as he slowly opened his eyes and looked around.

"Cid! How many fingers am I holding up?" asked Gabe holding up three fingers in front of Cid.

"You are holding up three fingers my son."

Gabe was about to reply but stopped. "Why the hell are you talking like that?"

"Talking like what? And my name is not Cid my son."

"What's your name then?" asked Krista.

"I am Jesus Christ, the son of God."

"Ohhhhhh boy…" muttered Ash.

"That must have been the 'slight personality change' Madass Mick mentioned," remarked Krista.

"What gave it away?" asked Gabe sarcastically helping Cid back to his feet."

"Thank you, may you have everlasting life in the kingdom of Heaven."

"This is going to grow very old very fast."

"Hey guys," greeted Cloud as Gabe and the others came back. He looked at Cid who looked almost as if he was levitating and the serene look on his face was downright errie.

"What the hell happened to Cid?" asked Cloud.

"My son! Please do not speak of the evil known as the underworld!"

"Our next door neighbor implanted the personality of Jesus Christ into his brain."

"Oh… Tifa's getting ready to unveil some new drink any mome-" Cloud's words where cut as Tifa came into the room holding two large pitchers. 

"Come and get it!" Tifa put the two pitchers down and stood back as everyone surrounded the two pitchers and began filling their glasses with it. Fei took one sip and nearly fell back. "Holy shit this is strong!" he turned to Tifa, "What's in this?"

"A little bit of everything," replied Tifa proudly.

"Looks weak to me," grunted Rico grabbing half a pitcher full.

"I agree," replied Citan.

"What would you know about drinks SHITAN," snickered Bart wobbling back and forth and belching constantly.

Citan sighed, "Young master please don't call me that."

"MAKE me…heh.." Bart took another long drink and collapsed on the floor. The fist but most likely not the last one to do that.

"I still think this is gonna be a weak-ass drink," continued Rico. "Watch me drink this and nothing happen."

****

Five Minutes Later 

"LOOK AT ME!!! I'M EVIL KANEVIL!!!" screamed Rico wearing a chip bowl on his head and running into the wall headfirst over and over again. Tifa's mystery drink had easily over intoxicated everyone with the exception of Cid who left the room to pray. Gabe, who had long given up trying to stuff his own head into his ass, slowly got up and stumbled around then saw Tifa sitting in a chair giggling uncontrollably. Gabe gave himself a lop sided grin and seeing this as his big chance with Tifa walked over to her and just as he reached her everything went black. 

End.

This fic was a lot more fun to write as I got going and I ended up being able to use some of the ideas I wanted to use but couldn't because of where I was in the notebooks. _Family Insanity_ is up next and will be published fairly soon since I have no other fan fic or writing projects at the moment. Thanks to everyone who enjoyed it and before I finally shut up I really want to stop and give some credit to some writers and web sites that have served as a huge inspiration for my ff7 series.

Barret Wallaces Avalanche Hideout-THE place for comedic fics as well as some great Sailor Moon, DBZ, Xenogears, and FF tactics. Their FF7 series was not only the number one inspiration for my series but the reason I started writing this stuff in the first place. Things such as mindless celebrity slaughter and an obscene amount of Yuffie and Sephiroth bashing are only a few of the things I've ripped off from this great site. An absolute must visit for comedic FF7 fans.

__

Family Insanity-Author Unknown- Another huge inspiration. Extremely well written and very very funny. There's numerous things I'm using in my series that I got from this fic besides the name. Such as Cloud becoming mayor and him being married to Aeris. If you happen to come across this fic which is in pretty good circulation you should read it. I really regret not remembering the name of the author.

Frank Verderosa's FF7 Internet series-Some of the best FF7 fan fiction ever written. As far as I know there where five of these novella sized fan fics that included _The Search For Aeris _and others.

RPGamer.com- The place where I discovered fan fics. It was after reading a couple fics that I decided to start writing on a regular basis.

There's more but it's fairly likely that most of you have hit the back browser in annoyed disgust so I'll just take my bow and say goodbye. As always thanks for reading and be sure to let me know what you thought of it

End. (I swear to god this time.)

   [1]: mailto:darksideblues_666@seanbaby.com



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